In Memory of Debra

by Her Loving husband Anthony.

Note from Carol: Although Debra's story was not written by a woman, I felt it needed to be published on women's words. It's the story of Debra's triumph and sadness as told by her husband. There are a number of text links in this story to return to the story after veiwing the link just click on your back browser.

Debra was born on the 29th November 1962 she had two sisters and one brother. Debra could never recall any love shown to her as a child Her mother was as Debra put it, a very selfish evil woman and her father never had time for her.

Debra never had a christmas or proper birthdays, if people gave her things her mother would take them away from her and keep them for herself or sell them to get fag money, sometimes her parents would take them to the seaside but they would lock them in the van and not allow them to get out whilst her parents went off and had a good time.

She didn't enjoy school very much as she was verbally abused due to people knowing her mother. She never had clothes that fitted her and when it came to bath time her mother made her bath in the twin tub washing achine in the same water she had washed the clothes in, Debra told me how bad it used to make her smell.

Debra could always remember the day when she was about 11 years old and someone gave her, her first new piece of clothing, a jumper. Her mother immediately took it from her and said it needed to be washed first and deliberately put it on a hot wash so it stretched and Debra couldn't wear it.

She also recalled the times when her dad was at work and different men used to come round the house and her mother would perform sexual acts with them in front of her which Debra found very disturbing and then when her dad got home from work she made Debra lie for her about what she had been up to.

Her mother used to steal money from her fathers wallet and she always blamed Debra and Debra would always get the beating whilst her mother laugh at her. This abuse went on throughout her childhood.

When Debra was 15 years old her mother tried to force a man on her to take away her virginity but Debra would not allow it to happen even though the man in question offered Debra's mother money. Debra then knew it was time to get away, she was thrown from pillar to post. Everywhere she went she was abuse, even her uncle abused her.

When She was 16 years old she was so desperate to get away from her family life and she met a man and thought she was going to find love and happiness at last but she couldn't have been more wrong. Her mother and this man convinced Debra that there would never be anyone out there in the world who would love her and want her so, this man started to verbally abuse her and physically abuse her too.

At one point he beat her and made her have sex with one of his mates for money. She told me she couldn't remember much about it as she was half unconsious. She then became pregnant by him and decided to stay with him and went on to have 3 children by him but the abuse continued almost everyday. She was in and out of hospital through out the relationship with broken teeth and bones. Once he punched her so hard in the side of her head she became deaf in one ear and one night as she pretended to be asleep he put a gun to her head but she had nowhere else to go and she really was convinced no one else would want her.

My sister became good friends with Debra and one day when I paid my sister a visit I saw Debra for the first time and when our eyes met it was love at first sight she really was a beautiful young woman I didn't say anything to her on that first meeting but my ssister rang me later to say Debra had falling in love with me I was so happy we hadn't even spoken a word to each other but she had the same feeling as me.

The following day I met up with her and it was like we had know each other for years she was honest to me from the start she told me about her life and I felt so sorry for her and I knew I had to get her away from all the people that were hurting her, so after only knowing her for three days I asked her if she would like to move in with me she cried with happiness as we both knew it was the right thing to do and after only 8 days of knowing each other we were living together.

Debra brought 2 of her children with her but her eldest son chose to stay behind but she knew he would be alright as he had always been daddy favourite but she assured him that if he ever wanted to come and be with her she would always be waiting for him.

We lived our first few months under constant threat of being harmed by her ex but finally she got the divorcee she longed for and we settled down to a normal family life. Debra finally started to come out of her shell she was so bubbly and happy and we were both so in love with each other, I remember we had a little argument one day and she said "Are you going to hit me then?" as that was what she was used to but, I reassured her that no one would ever harm her again.

We had our ups and downs like any normal but then she started to get broody and she said she always wanted a little girl but due to the violence in her last relationship she decided to be sterilised as he used to kick her in the stomach whilst she was carrying her babies.

So we went to see the Doctor and he took pity on Debra and agree to put her name forward for a reversal. That was in 1991 and in Sept 1992 she gave birth to the daughter we both longed for. We called her Donna, a sister for Jonnie Steven Tom and Richard. Then we decided we would try for another sister for Donna but in 1994 along came Michael, then in 1997 Debra gave birth to Emily we were both over the moon.

But on 22nd Jan 1997 Debra woke me screaming Emily wasn't breathing. I took Emily from her and rushed next door I will never forget the Debra sitting on the floor begging for her baby to be ok, Emily was rushed to hospital and the doctors managed to bring her back again she was evening looking at us both and holding our finger's but then the doctor said they were going to have to put her to sleep as she needed to go on a life support machine.

After they did some scans they discovered Emily had several heart defects and there was much hope of her surviving, Debra's evil mother turned up and said these things happen for a reason which didn't make the situation between her and Debra any better.

The hospital decided to transfer Emily to another hospital so Debra mother's new boyfriend offered Debra some money to help out, her mother went to get the money but unknown to us she only gave Debra half the money and kept the rest for herself.

Sadly Emily died in Debra's arms the following day she was 12 days old it was a very emotional time for us all. Debra took Emily's death very badly and just couldn't cope with life for the first few month's. It was like she went back to her childhood where everything was taken away from her. Debra said she would never forget her mother ringing up 3 days after Emily had died asking if I would run her dog to the vets as he needed some heart pills Debra took this as her mother having a joke on her as her little girl had just died from heart problems.

We would never forget Emily and we were not trying to replace her but we decided to try for another baby in Debra's heart she wished it was going to be another girl but along came Alexander she loved him to bits and it made the pain of losing Emily a little bit easier for her as she had another baby to take care of.

We decided together in 1999 to move to a different area to start a new life so on the 25th Jan 2000 we moved to March in Cambridgeshire. Things were going really well for us but then in November 2000 Debra found a lump under her arm but it wasn't until end of December that her doctor saw her he said it was nothing to worry about and made an appointment for her to see a consultant at the hospital.

When the hospital checked her she was sent for her a mammogram and then she had a biopsy done, the test showed it was cancer in her nodes and also there was a small tumour in her right breast she and I were devastated but her only concern was for our children the doctor said he could just cut away the turmor in her breast but Debra said no she wanted the whole breast removed.

It was two weeks before they carried out the operation they also removed 19 nodes from her arm pit the doctor said she made the right decision to have her breast removed as in those two weeks two more tumours had grown.

The children were all upset about their mum having cancer and they all thought she was going to die as cancer to a lot of people means a death, mind you I did as well.

When the children went to see their mum in hospital following her op they didn't know what to say to her, our youngest son Alex didn't even recognised her due to all the tubes.

After Debra recovered from the surgery she underwent months of chemo and radiotherapy she lost all her hair and was very sick. Her veins became unusable so she was fitted with a hickman line in her chest but it broke and a 4 1nch piece ended up between the chambers of her heart so they put a line into a vein in her groin and after three hours of trying managed to get the broken piece out from her body.

Debra was very upset by this experience and made a complaint about the doctor who said she was probably over reacting about the pain she had in her chest. She was told later that she could have died at anytime but the doctor took the easy way out and moved on to another hospital.

After Debra's treatment she seemed to be doing well, the hospital kept a close eye on her but then in December2004 she started to complain of back pain, her doctor treated her for a slipped disc but the pain didn't get any better so he referred her back to hospital.

When Debra went for her appointment the doctor examined her and started talking about tumours which really frightened her but after a emergency scan the evidence was plain to see, she had tumours massed in her lower spine and liver, she asked the doctor how long she had. You could see him gulp and he replied 3 to 6 months but, she could try another chemo that might give her a little be longer.

As we sat in the car making our way home neither of us knew what to say to each other apart from how much we loved each other and we would get through this.

When we got home Debra asked me if I would tell the children about her condition as she didn't want to keep anything from them it was one the hardest things I have ever done and I hope and pray I never have to do the same sort of thing again the hurt in their eyes and then the tears was to much for me to handle.

They all went down to hug their mum and tell her they loved her, we decided to arrange counselling for the children to prepare them for what lay ahead but Debra didn't care about someone for her to talk to she just wanted to make sure me and the children were going to be alright.

Me and Debra decided we should go away together for a few days to discuss what lay ahead I will always remember us sitting on a hill in Wales and talking about our love for each other and the children even though she had been told she was terminally ill she really enjoyed that special time we spent together.

When we got home she started making memory boxes for all the children and me, there are so many special things in the boxes,all the things that we could all remember her by and letters she had written, the News of the World contacted us and did a story on what was happening to her and the special things she was doing for the children.

Then she appeared on This Morning with Lorraine Kelly and Philip Schofield to talk about her illness and the children at this time she seemed to be doing really well even though her pain was increasing.

In April 2004 she started another kind of chemo it made her very sick but she didn't lose her hair this time and no matter how poorly she was she always had a beautiful smile on her face.She started to cry a lot because she didn't want to leave the children and me and as she said she was scared of dying I did all I could to comfort her, which only made our love for each other stronger than ever. As time went on her pain increased and one day whilst at the hospital Debra started to cry and said all she wanted was one more Christmas with the children so I asked the consultant if we should have Christmas early, she said that would be a good idea and if Debra did make the real Christmas than she would have two Christmas's.

So without Debra knowing I set about organising with the children Christmas in July so many people help us with donations of trimming and tree's and Santa Claus on a horse and cart, it was very hard keeping it all a secret from Debra but we did. She thought we were going to my brother's engagement party, I remember as we were travelling my brother rang me to say slow down you are catching me up so I turned of the road and made out to Debra there was a problem with the car.

Eventually we arrived at Sutton Hall as we walk around the corner Debra came face to face with the press she looked straight at me and said what's going on I looked straight into her eyes and said Happy Christmas sweetheart she just fell into my arms and sobbed her heart out.

As I walked her through the door all the children had gathered round the christmas tree and were singing Away In A Manger Debra was over come with happiness but all of us there were also overcome with sadness as it hit home about why we were doing this for her.

People from our local area and others in different parts of the country took Debra into their hearts and donated holidays and gifts for her and the children.

As the months went on December 25th was getting closer, apart from the pain Debra knew she was going to make the real Christmas, she left all the present buying to me as she was to weak to do things herself but it was a very special Christmas for us all, our son Michael said all he wanted for Christmas was his mum and here she was.

When Debra went back to hospital in February 2005 the consultant said she had some good news for Debra the chemo they had tried had destroyed some of the tumours in her liver I don't know why but I thought to myself ok but why was Debra getting poorlier as the days went by. Debra took the news to mean she may not die after all and we went out to celebrate. For valentines I surprised her by taking her back to Wales to have our wedding day vows read again and we exchange rings inscribed with the words I LOVE YOU.

Then we approached mothers day, the year before we had all celebrated her last mother day but due to her determination she fought to make this one too, every special day was emotional time for all of us but especially for Debra.

Then sometime in June Debra's pain was out of control she was already up to her maximum pain relieve so they tried another pain control which help her. By this time she couldn't walk without the aid of her crutches all the children rallied round to take care of her but she was becoming more confused about things that were going on around her and she was crying a lot because of me and the children doing everything and her not being able to help.

So, I just kept telling her how much I loved her and it was a pleasure to look after her as our vows read "Through sickness until death do us part" As I looked at her is was like she was turning into a child she looked so beautiful and scared I just wanted to cradle her like you would a baby.

One Tuesday on the journey home from the Macmillan Centre Debra said to me "Did you see that?" I said "What?" She said "There was someone hanging in the tree" I had to drive pass the same spot several times and eventually got out the car to look but there was nothing there.

I started to feel really frightened for her so I rang her Macmillan nurse who said it was properly the medication she was on. When we got home I don't know what it was but something wasn't right with Debra. She was still acting strange but I tried not to show her how worried I was as she was going to hospital the following day.

At the hospital on Wednesday 10th August Debra was being very sick and as soon as the doctor saw her she suggested an urgent scan, even at this point I tried to cover up my upset as did Debra, it was the first time that Debra's nurse came with us too as Debra didn't like going to hospital because she and I both felt that because she was terminally ill they didn't have time for her and on a number occasions they treated her really badly.

After the scan I took Debra back to the clinic to see her consultant, the scan results were not as bad as we expected. It did show the cancer had massed but there was no cancer in her head or brain which was what we were worried about. Debra started crying as the Consultant explained what was happening but said there might be another treatment that they could give her but it might only help her live a bit longer, she could either go back to hospital on Monday or go home and spend her last bit of time with her family.

It was a very emotional trip home we both agreed we didn't think it was worth trying another treatment as she was in our opinion too ill to have anymore chemo.

That Wednesday evening she went to bed early and when I went up she was asleep. During the night she woke me up to tell me how much she loved me and I reassured her how much I loved her to. The following morning she woke me as she was being violently sick but she wasn't too bothered as she was used to being sick. I rang her Macmillan nurse who came to see her butwhilst she was here I had to go and fetch the children from school but unknown to me she told her nurse that she wanted to go to sleep now she couldn't fight it anymore.

I help her into her bed down stairs that night and slept on the settee next to her, I remember her saying "I don't want to scare you darling but there is someone standing at the end of my bed and there are people walking round the room" I told her not to worry I was here.

The following Saturday morning I was woken by Debra calling out but I wasn't sure what she said so I went over to her and asked if she was alright, when she replied I couldn't understand what she was saying I rang the emergency doctor who came out to see her but by this time she was sleeping but breathing in a strange way, after the doctor finished examining Debra he said it was time to get the family together.

I remember thinking what do you mean my Deb's will be ok she had always managed to fight back but I knew in my heart not this time, her life was coming to an end. I sat holding her hand sobbing as the doctor made a phone call to let the nurse know what was going on, then he left saying how sorry he was.

As soon as he left I rang round all the family to let them know the news. Our son Michael and our daughter Donna where staying with their gran so she brought them home to say goodbye to their mum. It was so heartbreaking, seeing them kiss their mum and telling her they loved her and saying goodbye. I ask them if they wanted to stay but it was to much for them so they chose to go back to their grans.

It was now 2pm and more people came round to say goodbye to Deb's my sister who Debra classed as her sister too was in Norwich at the time but caught the train and came to see Debra. When she saw Debra she broke down as she had only seen Debra the day before and she seemed to be doing really well so it came as a shock to her to see Debra in her condition.

After a couple of hours I moved Debra's cover and was shocked to see her legs had gone purple. My sister said it was due to her body closing down. At this point we decided to ask the local minister to come round and give Debra her last rites. As he was reading Debra started muttering and it scared me that she could hear what was going on and we were frightening her but I knew it was the right thing to do as we did the same for Emily and Debra always believed in God and knew she would go to a better place.

We all sat with Debra holding her hand and talking to her then at about 7.25pm something came over me and I ask everyone to leave the room and laid down next to Debra and held her and told her how much I loved her and would always love her and I told her the children will be fine I would take great care of them. With tears streaming down my face I said to her, if you want to go sweetheart you can and with that she took one last breath and fell to sleep forever.

My first reaction was to scream for her to come back but that was just the shock because of the situation, she is now at rest no one and nothing can ever harm her again.