Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships

Does Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships really happen ? Yes, domestic violence can happen in any relationship.

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Domestic Violence in the Lesbian community is a serious issue. The rates of Domestic Violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as Domestic Violence against heterosexual women.

As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards them, those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship.

In many ways, Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships is the same as in heterosexually paired relationships:

No one deserves to be abused. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate. Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion. The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner. The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her fault, or could have been avoided if she knew what to do.

Several important aspects of Lesbian Relationships mean Domestic Violence is often experienced differently: In same-sex abuse, a pattern of Violence or behaviors exists where one seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct of their intimate partner, or to punish their partner for resisting their control. This may been seen as physical or sexual violence, or emotional and verbal abuse. An additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is Lesbian may be to “out” them at work or to family or friends.

A Lesbian who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.

More ways in which Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships are unique:
It is frequently incorrectly assumed that Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.

Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) either means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual.

Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians "come out" to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the women losing their home, job, custody of children, etc.

Telling heterosexuals about Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships can reinforce the myth many believe that Lesbian Relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the women to feel isolated and unsupported.

The Lesbian community is often not supportive of survivors of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in Lesbian Relationships.

Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced.

Lesbian survivors of battering may not know others who are Lesbians meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.

Lesbians are usually not as tied financially to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.

The Lesbian community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.
How can I support someone who is experiencing domestic violence?
Remember, Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships does happen and the way you respond will make a difference.

If a friend or family member tells you they are experiencing violence or abuse from their partner, respond supportively by:

• Listening to what the person tells you and not judging.

• Believing what they tell you.

• Acknowledging their fear and taking concerns seriously.

• Letting them know the abuse is not their fault and that they don’t have to put up with it.

• Asking them what you can do to help them.

• Making a note of when and what your friend or family member tells you about the domestic violence and recording any visible injuries. Let the person know you are doing this and keep the information confidential. Let them know that this record could be useful if they decide to report the violence.

• Encourage them to make their own decisions. You can help them to make their decisions if they want you too but don’t tell them what to do.

• It is very important to keep the information to yourself. Many lesbians experiencing violence or abuse from their partner don’t tell anyone about the abuse because they fear that everyone they know will find out. If someone confides in you, keep her confidence.