Domestic Violence

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Are you a victim or a survivor?

Domestic violence is a generic term which refers to abusive and assaultive behaviour between current or former partners, and/or adult members of a household.

It includes physical and sexual assault, and economic, psychological and emotional abuse.

What constitutes domestic violence varies from individual to individual as do the legal, economic and psychological consequences.

However, the term always relates to actions that are coercive and controlling.

Domestic violence is not gender specific. Research now indicates domestic violence can and does happen just as often in same sex relationships, as in man to woman within a relationship or former relationship.

Domestic violence can and does make a woman feel powerless (victim mode) she is in fear and at the mercy or whims of the perpetrator. She feels unable to take back control of her life. The key words here are feelings and fear.

Everywhere I look on the subject of Domestic Violence women are repeatedly asked ‘are you’ or told ‘you are a VICTIM' of Domestic Violence. They are even referred to recognised charitable bodies called Victim Support.

If you suggest a woman is a victim, years of conditioning by her abuser has already brainwashed her into the victim mode. So, very often she accepts the victim label. Her fear is reinforced; her feelings of hopelessness are confirmed by the very people she goes to for help.

Never ever, call a woman a victim. She may be experiencing Domestic Violence but she is not a victim yet. She is someone who needs support and information on how to get out of her situation.

Comments like ’well why do you stay with him then?’ or ‘how did you let things get so bad’ are not in the least helpful. And believe me the above comments are just the tip of the iceberg, I’ve heard a lot worse.

Very often women are conditioned from childhood to accept DV as normal so they don’t even recognise their situation as DV. ‘Oh he has never laid a finger on me’ she says.

Domestic Violence has many faces, some easier to see than others. Because physical violence is so noticeable, it’s widely thought even to day to be the most dangerous. It’s the type of DV that police and support agencies predominantly concentrate on.

Physical Violence

If a woman suffers physical violence, there can be plenty of hard evidence of the crime. Photographs, hospital record, GP visits, and police logs can all help in her fight to break free. To be fair it’s the only one outsiders can see and hopefully she will find an agency that doesn’t label her victim but a survivor.

However, other forms can be just as devastating and dangerous.

Psychological Abuse

Constant declarations by a partner or family member that she is useless, stupid, mad, clumsy, and ugly or any variation of such negative comments can, over time, wear a woman down. Her self esteem is destroyed, to the point where she believes exactly what they want her to.

Deliberate isolation where a woman gradually loses contact with friends, family, in fact most human contact then she becomes a prisoner in her own home. Unable to come and go freely, made to account for every hour she is outside the home and every penny she spends.

This type of domestic violence is particularly insidious in as much as a woman rarely understands it’s happening until it’s too late. When she does finally confides in someone she will still tell them, ‘Oh but it’s not really DV, he’s never laid a finger on me’. Years can go by before she finally recognizes the signs of abuse within her situation.