Just a Normal Day

Our second visitor is a woman who says she doesn’t know where to start, she is obviously nervous. I wait, eventually she begins her story,punctuated by “I feel so stupid”, what unfolds is a history of domestic violence, isolation and lack of control over her own life.

The narrative is disjointed, jumping back and forth between recent and past events, minor and major incidences which all appear to have the same importance to her in the telling. This takes time and I listen without interruption until she runs out of words, then I try to clarify the sequence of events and why it is today that she has come to the Centre. Last night her partner tipped his dinner on the floor complaining that it was cold.

I ask what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to disrupt her children’s schooling so, feels she has no alternative but to stay in the situation.

We talk about how she can keep herself safe, ways she can escape from her home should the need arise, e.g. there is no point in being able to get out into the back garden if there is no way to escape from there - there is, I am relieved.

Do the children know how to phone the Police, would they know when to do this? We then discuss if it is safe for her to take information home with her, does her partner check her handbag? He doesn’t so, I give her the ‘crisis list’ , this is a list of things to put together should she want to leave in a hurry.

We discuss the items on the list and the importance of leaving them with a trusted friend or relative. She says she will go home and put them together although she is not sure where all their birth certificates and her marriage licence are, her partner has taken them and she doesn’t know where they are hidden.

Finally, I give her a list of telephone numbers, the Community Safety Unit, Domestic Violence Outreach Worker, the National Refuge Line, and the Centre’s, stressing that if she is really frightened she is to ring 999.

I emphasise that she can always come into the Centre where men are not allowed and the door is always locked, have a chat and a cup of tea or coffee; or just to sit quietly.

The interview has taken 11/2 hours. While I have dealt with this, other women have come into the Centre asking about our legal advice service, counselling service and requested help with housing matters.

Coffee break! There is a lull, there are no women requesting assistance, the Centre Worker and volunteers take the opportunity to exchange news and relax before our next visitor. We have three volunteers today, which spread the load and means women do not have to wait for attention.

Another knock at the door, two women come in, they are sisters. One explains that she has brought her sister to us because she is experiencing domestic violence. Eventually we get the woman experiencing the domestic violence to tell us about what is happening.

She is in fear for her life, there is a long history of violence and her partner has threatened to kill her. What does she want to do? She wants to leave, all the volunteers become involved, one in telephoning the National Refuge Line to find out if there is a vacancy for a woman and two children (aged 6 and 8 years), the line is engaged and the volunteer keeps trying.

One volunteer makes a drink for the visitors while the third volunteer explains what is involved, it is important not to give the address of the refuge to anyone, the refuge space will not be in the Borough and she may need to travel some distance, does she have enough money to get there? Her sister says she will take her.

She needs to go home and collect all the items she needs for herself and her children, does she have enough time before her partner returns? It is important that she has her and the children’s birth certificates, (crisis list in here). We tell her that if she is fearful of going home we can contact the police to help her collect their belongings.

The volunteer has managed to contact the refuge line, they have taken details and will call us back with a suitable space. We explain that the refuge will help her to claim benefits; she is surprised when we tell her that the refuge will charge rent and she and her children will share a room and share the kitchen with other residents. She goes home to collect belongings and her children from school.

We wait, for the refuge to call us back and for the woman to return with her children and possessions.

Two volunteers go out to buy sandwiches.

When they return there are two visitors in the Centre, one is a regular who tells everyone at length what she told us the day before and thanks us for the help the Centre has given her. The other visitor is a Centre volunteer who was passing and had dropped in for a chat and a cup of coffee, a dangerous thing to do; she’s liable to be roped in if we have a rush!

Another woman comes in, she needs help with the housing, and the Centre Worker deals with this, telephoning the Housing Department on her behalf.

There are two men outside the door, one is the son of the woman with the housing problem, he is angry because we will not let him in, however, he does calm down and agrees to go to the café around the corner to wait for his mother.

The other man understands why we do not allow men into the Centre. I talk to him outside. He is going to have lunch with his sister who is experiencing domestic violence; do we have anything he can give her? I collect all the information his sister may need and explain the crisis list to him; I check that if it is not safe for her to have this information at home he will keep it for her. He will also keep the bag containing all the items his sister needs if she decides to leave. He is tearful and spontaneously hugs me as he says thank you.

I eat my sandwich; Hillingdon is not a good place to be a vegetarian, its cheese again! I really must ‘get my act together’ and bring something from home.

We are all getting nervous about whether the woman needing refuge space will return. Often a woman will change her mind and because of our strong confidentiality policy, we have not taken her details so we have no way of contacting her.

(Our policy is there to protect the women and ourselves, the less information we have, the less likely it is to be coerced or threatened into giving it to anyone. In the past, we have had both male and female, asking for the address of a woman who has left home. The downside of this is that often we have no idea of what has happened to any of the women we deal with.)

I answer the phone, it is a distressed woman who is scared that she has not done all the things her partner expects of her, I enquire what these are, she doesn’t know, they change all the time. Her husband is not violent so, “its not domestic violence is it”? I explain that domestic violence is not always about physical violence, that it covers anything that makes a person fearful, undervalued or feeling that they have to do something against their will or own code of morality.

I explain about refuge spaces, her eldest child is too old to go with her, however he is the one telling her to stick up for herself, he is in a boarding school, coming home at weekends so she thinks maybe will not be a problem, the youngest child is five so will be able to go with her. She then tells me that her husband has taken her car and sold it and cut up her credit card.

I explain that a refuge will help her to claim benefits. She says she will think about it. This is the second time I have spoken to this woman; the first was about a month ago. It’s frustrating, she is obviously deeply unhappy but feels her problem is not to be taken seriously because her husband doesn’t beat her. I hope that she will telephone again or come into the Centre.

Another telephone call, easily dealt with, a woman needs legal advice about problems at work, I give her the telephone number of the Law Centre in Hayes.

The number of telephone calls and visitors has dwindled, children are home from school and it’s not easy for women to call in or telephone the Centre.

Hooray, the woman and her sister have returned! We get out toys for the children and make drinks for everyone, the refuge line still hasn’t rung us back and we settle down to wait. After an hour, the refuge line telephones us and we take details of the refuge that has space. The woman speaks to the refuge, the other side of London, and arranges to meet one of their workers. We find the A to Z for the route and photocopy it for them.

We stress that they can come in at anytime that we are open for support and any information they need, aware that often a woman may go back home after a short stay in a refuge, we don’t want them to feel they have failed if they do this. We have to remember that some women will leave and go back up to a dozen times before they are successful in breaking the cycle of abuse. It’s five pm, time to go home, thankful that it is not one of those days we have to wait beyond this for the refuge line to contact us.

Jenny Price
Volunteer at Hillingdon Women’s Centre

Note from Carol: The centre talked about here is where I spent 15 years as a volunteer. Although this centre is in Southern England, it is typical of a lot of Women’s Centres around the world. If you live in that part of the world or are interested in learning more about them, you can find their details by clicking the above link.


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